Dear Friends, Drodzy Przyjaciele, Cari Amici,
This week I travelled to see some good friends, and to meet with a psychologist who is reviewing my books for a Canadian Psychology Journal. This woman had read my books the past month or so and requested a meeting with me. I was nervous, as it would be the first such face to face meeting with a reviewer and I was also excited and happy about this.
She works with victims of sexual crimes and also with sex offenders and has a broad experience already. She honored me by telling me that whenever she teaches, she will make my books part of the required reading for her students, because they communicate very vividly many inexpressible aspects of the impact of abuse.
She asked me a question that was very surprising to me. She said “So many times my clients talk about “going away” inside when they were being assaulted or victimized. You write about creating Persona’s to keep surviving the torture and abuses, and you talk about “going away”, too. My question is: Where Do You Go??????”
As soon as she asked the Question, the Answer was coming out of me. I told her that it is not like there is a plan, or a mental escape hatch or something…It is rather that when I was being Impacted by the Violence of Abuse…the Impact itself Created a Tear, a Rip, in the Fabric of my Mind…and pushed me through it to a place of Unreality.
In other words, it was the Impact of Violence that Created the Place where I Fled for Survival. That is why Dissociation is not something I can do now that I have healed from it. I cannot Return to those Places, now that I have Gone Sane..but I can tell you what it was like to be there, I can tell you that it both a most Terrifying Experience to be Thrust into Those Far Away Places and it is a Huge Relief to be At A Distance from the Horror that I was Experiencing.
Many people I know who have experienced Violence and Trauma have told me they know exactly what I am talking about. They also have had that same experience of understanding that those places Didn’t Exist Until You Needed Them To Survive.
It is from those Places Inside of Me that I painted my Story…I painted my way out of those places…I wrote my way out…I cried my way out, I prayed and agonized my way out…Now here I am. I still sometimes find little pockets of pain that come to the surface for healing and then go through the process again. Now that I do not have so many Broken Places to hide in, it can sometimes be scary. Sometimes I feel almost a Loneliness for those Hidden Prisons where I escaped to. But then I just love and embrace that feeling until I feel safe in the Here and Now again.
And that is something that we can learn to Locate and Heal inside our own Souls…Those places that were torn open, ripped open in our Hearts and Souls when we hurt so bad that the only thing we could do was Break To Pieces.
I firmly believe that God created us with the Capacity to Survive and to Heal. I believe that God gave the human Soul and Psyche this ability to push past the Moment when Reality is so Dreadful..into these far away Places..and it is a Way that we can hide ourselves deep inside until it is Safe to go and Retrieve ourselves.
I love you all so much and am so grateful that you are on this Journey with me of Healing from Abuse in Every Aspect of My Life. I pray for any of you who are Still Stuck in Any Place of Agony in your own Mind and Heart and I hope you are able to find whatever will work for you to help you to Come Forth…write about it, paint about it, cry about it, talk about it, scream about it…whatever will bring your Sorrow Out Into The Light.
Tu Jestem! Teraz!
With Faith in Freedom, Z Wiarą w Wolność, Con la Fede Nella Libertà,
Gabriel Orion Marie
* For those of you who may not know, I have published a series of three books that tell the story of my recovery and healing from profoundly intense physical, sexual and spiritual abuse. These books have dozens of paintings that I did during my process and those paintings are a core form of communication I used in my Healing. These books are available on Amazon. I hope you will read them and pass them on to others!
This White House (Book One), Going Sane (Book Two) and A Spectacular Dawn (Book Three)