Dear Friends, Drodzy Przyjaciele, Cari Amici,
Most of my adult life, the word “Missionary” was something that I identified with very much. I saw my religion as something that people needed to be educated about and brought into. The dictionary defines Missionary as: a person sent on a religious mission, esp. one sent to promote Christianity in a foreign country. What does that really mean? Who is Sent? What is Promoted? What location is Foreign?
My own experience for many years of my adult life before I began the healing journey was of trying to Be a Missionary while being also a Profoundly Wounded and Broken Person. This really involved a lot of arguing, attempts at persuasion, subtle threats of judgement and punishment…all the things I was actually fearing where going to rain down on me if I wavered from The Belief System handed down to me.
Thinking of myself as a Missionary now feels very Egotistical and Arrogant and I don’t want that as part of my mindset or my hearts image or identification.
Recently Dr. A. and I were talking about my propensity to feel overly responsible for anyone or anything that is in my world, be it a person, a relationship, a situation, a circumstance. We talked about how I have such a deeply embedded notion of having to help Save others, Save A Situation, Save a Project, or Promote Healing. This is even happening at times in my current thoughts or inner pressures that I may have about my books, my paintings, exhibits, or even this Blog.
Now that I have begun a blog and have hundreds of people following it, what is my Responsibility?
Now that I have published my books on how I recovered from incest and abuse, what is my Responsibility to other Victims?
Now that I have forgiven my former Enemies, what is my Responsibility to them?
Now that Others turn to me even a little bit for help or understanding, what is my Responsibility to them or for them?
I noticed that I was again feeling like I must need to be some kind of Missionary, but that didn’t feel RIGHT in my guts.
So, what is it? What am I doing and What is my Call and What is my Responsibility?
Dr. A. looked at me and said: “I was thinking the other day that even Jesus was not a Missionary. When the Rich Young Man came and asked Him what he needed to do for Eternal Life, Jesus told him…..and the man went away Sad at the requirements. But, the Gospel did not say that Jesus went chasing after the man to persuade him, to cajole him, to urge him or push him into it. He respected this mans free will.”
The same at the Crucifixion. One Thief Understands Who Jesus is gets promised Paradise. Jesus did not try to convince the other thief who did not have that belief. He let him be.
It seems like throughout the Gospels the stories reveal Jesus just BEING HIMSELF…which included teaching, offering healing, offering forgiveness, offering gifts…but He wasn’t a “Missionary” like I think of Missionary. Jesus did not seem to ever panic over the situation of mankind, though he Grieved to the Point of Sweating Blood out of Love and Compassion for us.
Even in the story where Jesus drove the moneylenders out of the Temple…he was insisting on a Boundary….a respect for The Temple, which was His Father’s House. He wasn’t trying to convince them about anything. He was drawing a very simple line. “You cannot do this Here.” Period.
I draw those lines every time I insist on a certain level of respect in my relationships. I won’t engage in name-calling or emotional violence or lying or cheating. I draw the line that I will stand by, and I live that principle. What anyone else does outside of that, is their choice and business.
I want to be a person of Strong and Respectful Boundaries. I want to be Generous, but not Inappropriately burdened by the needs of others. I want to be Kind and Forgiving, but not allow Abuse in any form in my relationships.
I want to be more like Jesus. I want to Be Myself, which includes sharing with you on this Blog, publishing my books, sharing my art work and many other things. Being Me involves caring for the elderly and dying. But I am not responsible for you, or for the old folks I am caring for…I mean I am not responsible for your lives or souls. You and I, we exchange our gifts via cyberspace and it is beautiful and I hope it brings a bit more Light into the World, but I can relax and breathe and enjoy the Process, because I have set down the title of being a Missionary.
Instead, I will just Be Me.
With my Gift from the Heart, Z moim Dar z Serca, Con il mio Dono dal Cuore,
Gabriel Orion Marie
* For those of you who may not know, I have published a series of three books that tell the story of my recovery and healing from profoundly intense physical, sexual and spiritual abuse. These books have dozens of paintings that I did during my process and those paintings are a core form of communication I used in my Healing. These books are available on Amazon. I hope you will read them and pass them on to others.
This White House (Book One), Going Sane (Book Two) and A Spectacular Dawn (Book Three)