Dear Friends, Drodzy Przyjaciele, Cari Amici,
These days are so full and I am sorry I have not had time to post for almost a week now. Thank you for your kind patience and for your prayers and good wishes for my brother and my whole family. They means a lot to me. Please let me explain that it is only because of my deep commitment to only tell MY story, via my books, ,or this blog, that I am really only sharing what is coming from my own Heart in this experience of another Sibling dying. It is our respect for the anonymity and privacy of the rest of my family that I do not talk about them here or in my books.
Because we came from an extremely Abuse-Filled Childhood, there are bonds that we share among us siblings that seem more intense than would be otherwise. Dr. A. has told me many time that survivors of Camps and Prisons and Gulags have written about and spoken about this kind of bond that is created when people Survive some heinous sufferings together. That bond is what is Surfacing in my Mind, my Memories and my Heart these days….I feel flooded with only Love and Gratitude for my Brother and the Communion that we shared, in Blood, in Suffering, in Courage, in Stress and Struggle to find Healing and Joy. All of these memories are filled with Emotion and Meaning and are Treasures for me…and in the Center of it all is the Call to Let Go….Let Go…
Gioffredo is now at home on Hospice Care. He is mostly unconscious now, as the cancer has spread so fast through his liver and throughout his body. It seems that it cannot be too much longer now before he Crosses to the Other Side of the Veil.
How this has happened so FAST and so SUDDENLY is beyond all of us.
My Brother..who was an Ironman Athlete in what seems only moments ago, is now Ravaged and Eaten Alive by Cancer.
It is now in his Lungs and he Smells of Cancer.
His color is grey/green and yellow/orange.
If Angelo’s death Broke My Heart to Pieces a year and a half ago, Gioffredo’s impending Death is Shattering what is left of those jagged pieces. These particular Deaths are Jolting Me into the Awareness of How Fragile and Short Life Is, like Bolts of Lightening going through me.
My commitment to Consciousness, to Sanity, to Life, to the Present Moment propels me into the Heart of this Experience and I have to Forego sleep to Process what is Engulfing me.
It is not that Death itself is anything New to me…I work with the Elderly and Dying 5 days a week. I have cared for the Dying for years.
But it is the Death of Siblings with whom I share a Profound Bond of Survivorship…we Survived unthinkable Storms and Attacks together for many years, and it was an Inner Bond of a Little Group of Children who were Tortured Side by Side in our own Home. We WERE part of each other’s survival, and whether it is Sane or Not, whether it is Appropriate or Not, whether is it Sacred or Not, our Capacity to Live became entrenched in our commitment to Love each other…to Help each other.
I remember Looking into the Eyes of a Sibling while Being Tortured, and Their Eyes being the Pool of Mercy that kept My Courage and my Tenacity in tact…now I look at Gioffredo’s Eyes and I remember the Pool of Mercy and I feel my Heart Swimming in His Gaze and yet His Eyes are Drying Up and Fading Far Away and he is Turning Inward and Upward and I am Grieving and Lost in part of my Soul. I have to Learn what this means.
We are no longer Children…We are no longer being Tortured. We have Grown so far past that, and each Healed to our own Capacity today. But Right Now, my friends, right this Very Minute….THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE OF THE WHOLE BOND is present to me and it is taking all my energy to Breathe, and to feel All the Gratitude and All the Grief and Let it Go. I don’t know if I can bear to go and see him again. I think I have hit a limit…I have Emotional Indigestion from the all the feelings that are pressing for my attention all at once and I feel sick and overwhelmed. So I will rest and I will pray and I will send my love to him invisibly.
He does not need me to come. In fact, a few days ago when he was still talking a bit more more, he made it clear that he needs to be mostly Alone while he Turns Inward in this process of Death. So, we are all Respecting his wishes.
Each Moment I am honoring and keeping my commitment to Healing in Every Aspect of My Life. I also want to say that I deeply appreciate each of you who are sharing your journey with me… We are United in a Communion of Love, we are Invisibly Side by Side; “We Are All Just Walking Each Other Home. ” (Ram Dass)
With Love, Sorrow and Faith, Z Miłości, Smutku i Wiary, Con Amore, il Dolore e la Fede,
Gabriel Orion Marie
* For those of you who may not know, I have published a series of three books that tell the story of my recovery and healing from profoundly intense physical, sexual and spiritual abuse. These books have dozens of paintings that I did during my process and those paintings are a core form of communication I used in my Healing. These books are available on Amazon. I hope you will read them and pass them on to others!
This White House (Book One), Going Sane (Book Two) and A Spectacular Dawn (Book Three)