Dear Friends, Drodzy Przyjaciele, Cari Amici,
I was trying to sleep last night but there was this Old Familiar Pain that was sitting like a Rock in My Stomach. It is what I know is a Phantom, a Mirage, an illusion…but sometimes (especially late at night) I get tangled up in it. It is “Tomorrow’s Pain”, something that does not exist Now, but that I fear will exist in the Future (Which also does not Exist!). This is something that I create entirely on my own, in my mind and at times it even seeps down into my Heart and it is a dreadful thing to do, and a huge waste of time and energy.
Maybe because I work with the elderly and dying I think about what my life will be like in old age more than the average person, but every single day at work I see clients who are struggling with losing their faculties, one by one. Their eye sight is getting worse and they cannot read anything unless it is in Large Print. Their hearing is going and they need hearing aids and those hearing aids are both a help and a suffering in themselves. They squeal, their batteries run out very quickly, they are small, fragile devices that are difficult for arthritic fingers to manipulate and manage. They are easily lost. But they are crucial doors to the world outside of them and without those hearing aids, there would be a much deeper isolation and frustration with the most common communications.
I see a wide array of responses to Aging among my many clients. Some seem extremely peaceful and accepting, even one who is bedridden and mute who looks at me with such clear and present appreciation. Many are not entirely peaceful and feel like their capacities are being torn from them one by one and they are constantly needing to make profound adjustments to their daily life. I think that is why so many elderly people have very rigid routines that they do not like to have disturbed…I think those routines are like little life boats taking them through some unknown and often tumultuous and scary waters.
Where will I be in 30 years or 40 years? Will I be All Alone? Will I be Blind, or Deaf or Mute? Will my Mind be Failing? Will I be Running down a hall crying for my Mother like so many people with severe dementia? Will I speak Gibberish and will I forget to how to eat? Will Strangers be undressing me and showering me and will I be afraid of the Water?
I do not know the answer to any of these Questions, but I know this:
“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.” (Corrie Ten Boom)
So I stop, I Pay Attention and I Come back to Today and I Let Go of Worrying about Phantoms. Today is Perfect because it Is What Is. I will Stay in Today!
Today! Już Dziś! Oggi!
Gabriel Orion Marie
* For those of you who may not know, I have published a series of three books that tell the story of my recovery and healing from profoundly intense physical, sexual and spiritual abuse. These books have dozens of paintings that I did during my process and those paintings are a core form of communication I used in my Healing. These books are available on Amazon. I hope you will read them and pass them on to others !
This White House (Book One), Going Sane (Book Two) and A Spectacular Dawn (Book Three)