Dear Friends, Drodzy Przyjaciele, Cari Amici,
There are some Questions that seem to mostly Surface in the Middle the Night…I call them the 2:00 a.m. Questions. They are the Important Questions that don’t have Easy Answers. I mean, they don’t have logical, practical answers that can be contained in a few sentences or paragraphs.
They are connected to our Beliefs, I mean, maybe those 2:00 a.m. questions are where our Beliefs are formed. In the Middle of the Night is when I have made very clear acts of Faith, and it has been in the Middle of the Night when I have experienced the most Excruciating Despair. In the Middle of the Night is when I have made some of the most important and Significant Decisions of my life, too.
Why do they Surface in the Middle of the Night?
I think it is because these Questions and these Feelings need to Find me when I am Utterly Alone. Even if I were sleeping next to another person, that Middle of Night when you are the only one awake is a very Stark and Real time. The Questions and Feelings that surface at that time get my Undivided Attention. They have no competition with the tasks of the day; they are not in a long line up of my minds Activities.
So, last night I was thinking about all the Children of the Children that I love…my Nieces and Nephews. I was thinking about how I feel like I would go to almost any Length to do anything for them that I could. When I did stopped myself from Committing Suicide many times in my earlier life, it was because of my Love for them and not wanting them to have an Auntie who Killed Herself.
When I finally Quit Smoking, it was very much for myself, but it was also very much for them…I did not want them to have an Auntie who contracted Lung Cancer from Smoking…I did not want to have anything in my lifestyle that I was Ashamed of, or that I would not encourage for anyone else. Although I can honestly say that I loved almost every single Cigarette that I ever smoked, I absolutely hated the Slavery to them. (That topic will be another post!)
Then I was thinking about my Weight. I mean, I am not HUGE, but I am overweight and it has been a painful issue my whole life. I have written reams about it and done many paintings about body size, body image, obesity, and starvation.
Well, last Night, in the Middle of the Night I woke up and had one of those Questions and it was this:
Can I choose to be a Healthy Weight just for ME? Not even because I want to set a Good Example or for any other reason that Just Because I Want to?
It was kind of like having that thought about choosing to believe in a God who wanted me to be Happy.
So, Today I am pursuing this with a new motivation…Just For Me!
With love and respect, z Miłością i Zaangażowaniem, Con Amore e Impegno,
Gabriel Orion Marie
* For those of you who may not know, I have published a series of three books that tell the story of my recovery and healing from profoundly intense physical, sexual and spiritual abuse. These books have dozens of paintings that I did during my process and those paintings are a core form of communication I used in my Healing. These books are available on Amazon. I hope you will read them and pass them on to others !
This White House (Book One), Going Sane (Book Two) and A Spectacular Dawn (Book Three)