Dear Friends, Drodzy Przyjaciele, Cari Amici,
There is in my life a most Painful and Beautiful Loneliness that I want to write about. This pain has been surfacing in my Mind and Heart and Emotions for the past couple of weeks as I have been noticing a sort of dis-integrity in my behavior. I am All Alone in so many ways…I am Single, never married, no children, no grandchildren, no boyfriend, no intimate comrade in life.
Recently the Pain of this Loneliness, this Solitude, has made me more Conscious, and as I paid attention to it I began to notice how I try to avoid it. One of the ways I tried to avoid this pain is through engaging in negative conversations at the expense of someone else. For the Briefest Moment, when I complain about another person to someone who shares my complaint, I have a fleeting feeling of “Belonging”. But it is so Fleeting and it is built on judgments against someone else, and it leaves me feeling uneasy, and disappointed in myself and in fact, more Alone than ever. As I became aware of this, I resolved to bring this area of my life into the Light of Truth.
I realized that sometimes people find a profound Bonding with one other by having a Mutual Enemy, but what a Dreadful bond that is!
In my childhood, my siblings and I bonded in Love of each other, but also in a United Terror of our Father…he was the Enemy that drove us Together and drove us Insane.
A warped understanding of Religion made many of us believe the whole world outside of our little group was the Enemy, which forced us to huddle and band together fiercely.
Many Churches and Religious Groups instill a fear of Outside Enemies as part of the Uniting Factor of the group..a sort of Glue.
But I have no Enemies, and I do not want to Create any Enemies. I want to be Free to be me, as I am. I do not want to use a judgment against one person to bond with another. I do not want to run from my personal Loneliness. I want to find the Gift and the Blessing in it. When I look at it more closely and without anxiety, this is what I see:
All through my Childhood I was Repeatedly and Cruelly Invaded in my body, my mind, my psyche, and my Heart. Today I am discovering that the deep and thorough Healing from that Invasion happens as I embrace this Painful and Beautiful Loneliness. And I am discovering that there is a Surprising Blessing on this Profoundly Solitary road…A Tremendous, Invisible, Amazing Union with the entire Universe and everyone who is part of it!
To Dare to Stand Alone in my own Soul and Life, to Embrace this Loneliness requires all the Courage I can find. It requires me to trust that God is in all of us and that I will find my Communion with you, my unknown Friends, in our Shared Human Experience. This is my work Today.
The Lord is doing this in my Soul now, during this stage of my Spectacular Dawn. He is Carving out a Space inside of me so that I am able to receive the Pearl of Great Price, (which I believe is Complete Freedom). I only need to exercise my Courage as this Carving reveals itself and throughout this process I must be willing to Grieve all my Grief and Rejoice in all my Joy!
I want to thank each of you for being part of my Healing. Your Presence is Giving me the Courage I need to Embrace my Solitary Road.
With love from my Solitude, Z Miłości, z mojej Samotności, Con Amore dalla mia Solitudine,
Gabriel Orion Marie
* For those of you who may not know, I have published a series of three books that tell the story of my recovery and healing from profoundly intense physical, sexual and spiritual abuse. These books have dozens of paintings that I did during my process and those paintings are a core form of communication I used in my Healing. These books are available on Amazon. I hope you will read them and pass them on to others!
This White House (Book One), Going Sane (Book Two) and A Spectacular Dawn (Book Three)