Dear Friends, Drodzy Przyjaciele, Cari Amici,
For many years I attended 12-Step Groups for Adult Children of Alcoholics and Co-Dependency. I also used 12 Step daily meditation books as little teachers and companions. Often when I would read a passage for the day there would be something just perfect for me to look at within myself, to explore and to bring into the light for healing.
One day the reading was about each of us being 100% Responsible for what we believe. This concept was like a lightening strike that startled me and woke me up. It seemed so obviously true…yet it was also was something that had never occurred to me. It was the OPPOSITE of what I had always assumed. How could I be 100% Responsible for my personal beliefs when they were seemingly implanted and nearly forced upon me?
For someone who had been systematically brainwashed by both of my parents, and then by some of the elders in the commune and the Church, this idea was utterly astonishing.
I remember the first thing I did that morning was jump up from my chair and shut the door to my room, so that no one walking in the hallway would see me having this insight.( My room was cold and I often kept the door partially open in hopes of getting some heat from the building into it) I felt like a heretic, just considering the idea that I could CHOOSE what to believe. I was very frightened too, because if this was true then I was going to have to seriously look at what I believe and explore the teachings of the church, and the teachings of society and make personal decisions and then be responsible for them. If I did this, then I would never again be able to blame anyone..not a person, not a group, not a system. I would be free to agree or disagree, but no longer free to point the finger at anyone else.
Like Adam in the Garden…”It was the Woman you put with me…She Told me to do it..” Like Eve in the Garden…”The Serpent Told me…”.
This began a deep breakdown of walls in my mind. I brought all of this to Dr. A., and of course he was thrilled with where this small phrase from a small book was leading me. He was always so profoundly respectful, patient and observant as my layers of wounding and insanity surfaced and he trusted my inner wisdom would lead us both to how best facilitate the needed catharsis and make room for the healing that was wanting to happen.
One by one I began to write down things I believed…from the basics like believing in the law gravity…to the transcendent like my belief in the Trinity. But it was all the things in between gravity and The Trinity that needed exposing, and examining and choosing..there are countless beliefs that I have had and need to look at and make decisions about, and I could write a blog about each of them, but I today I will include two examples of limiting/imprisoning beliefs that were imposed on me and that I never questioned until this day of awakening:
* I am Ugly and Doomed to Always be Overweight~ I truly believed this, ever since I was about 5 years old. I decided that morning that I do NOT want to believe this anymore and that I don’t HAVE to believe it! Can you imagine the inner doors of opportunity and freedom that opened? Dr. A. once told me “We all get to choose how much we weigh.” Instead of blaming my weight on my wounds, my genetics, my metabolism, etc…I let go of the belief that I am doomed and I take responsibility. 100%. Freedom! Easy, NO…but Free, Yes!
*If I do not go to Mass every Sunday I will go to Hell~ What a dreadful, dreadful, dreadful imprisoning belief! I remember saying to Dr. A. that I was going to make a big act of faith and not go to Church on the next Sunday. Let me tell you, I felt like I was jumping off of a spiritual cliff! What if this absence from Church cost my Soul? I remember sitting in his office and shaking and telling him through my tears that I heard a little voice in my heart telling me that not going to Church this coming weekend might be the biggest act of faith I have ever expressed. I have since learned to listen to and to trust that little voice, because it speaks the truth and the truth always makes me freer.
That I lived to tell about it surprised me and thrilled me!
Now, going to Church is a choice of Love..it is because I am drawn by Love to the Sacraments that I deeply believe in and trust. My senses love the candles and the incense, the music and the Icons.
I love being 100% responsible for what I believe. It is dignified and self-respecting. It is the hallmark of freedom and nothing is more freeing than Freedom!!!
With Faith in Freedom, Z Wiarą w Wolność, Con la Fede Nella Libertà,
Gabriel Orion Marie
* For those of you who may not know, I have published a series of three books that tell the story of my recovery and healing from profoundly intense physical, sexual and spiritual abuse. These books have dozens of paintings that I did during my process and those paintings are a core form of communication I used in my Healing. These books are available on Amazon. I hope you will read them and pass them on to others !
This White House (Book One), Going Sane (Book Two) and A Spectacular Dawn (Book Three)