Dear Friends, Drodzy Przyjaciele, Cari Amici,
Last year around this time I had made the leap of leaving regular therapy with Dr. A. and then this summer I began to have some regular contact with Dr. A. again as I was going through a very intense summer of processing the sudden illness and death of my brother, Gioffredo. His illness and death came just over a year after the illness and death of my brother Angelo. The loss of my only two brothers has been a most powerful and life changing experience and it has made everything about life different for me. I needed help in order to really work through these losses and lessons thoroughly and fruitfully. I am re-iterating something I wrote last year about leaving therapy, as it is happening again, here and now.
Dr. A. and I had a core commitment throughout my therapeutic journey that we would always simply “Stay Faithful To What Was Needed.” What I needed was not something that could be spelled out week to week, month to month, year by year, as my needs changed throughout the journey. It was a way that we worked beautifully together, without putting up artificial structures around timing or expectations on my healing but remained in profoundly honest communication and negotiation of what each step required of each of us.
In this past year I have been in the leave-taking process (Also known in Psychological terms as “The Termination Phase”)…gradually having less and less contact with him and learning to Fly on my Own. I had a session with him on the phone the other day, and it was a very emotional experience for me. I love him so much, I am so profoundly grateful for the amazing role he has had in my life, and yet and more importantly, I am Committed to Staying Faithful to What is Needed…and although I have unmet needs in my life at the moment, I know that it is not necessary that I work on them with him. When I honestly acknowledged that in my Soul this morning, I knew I must Let Go even Further and Deeper as this relationship has come to a stage of completion.
Even though it would be wonderful on a feeling level to stay in touch on a regular basis and keep him up to date with my happenings, that was not what our relationship was formed for. That was not its purpose or its meaning. Staying true to the meaning and purpose of the Therapeutic Relationship is crucial for my long term Freedom and Integrity.
One of my nieces’ graduated from University recently from a Masters Degree Program and I attended her Graduation Ceremony. Over the last 8 years of her commitment to her education, she has often talked about what it has meant to be in school for so long, and to have it as a part of her daily life full-time, part-time, sometimes having a job, sometimes not, but always school. I spoke with her a few weeks ago right after her Graduation and she said she was experiencing the first weekend in 8 years when she did not have any required reading or homework or papers to write! She said she was thrilled and yet also almost sick with being at a loss of something that had required so much of her time, her energy, her commitment, and something that was of such value and growth for her. Now she is already working in her field and has begun to plunge into practicing all she learned in school. It is so wonderful to observe this progression and new stage in her life.
I could see her situation and her mixed emotions and they mirrored my own. In my journey with Dr. A. have been very committed and focused and this work has been a constant in my life for over 8 years. I know that my healing is not complete, my understanding and my knowledge are not complete, but this very specific part of my journey is complete. I have finished an enormous task and I am just beginning to plunge into this new chapter of my Spectacular Dawn, My New Day. It is time for me now to fully become my own Witness.
It came so clear to me that Staying True to a Conscious and Sacred Commitment is far more precious than anything I could create to drag it on, to force a continuance that would be less than necessary. Oh that Letting Go!!!
I Jump, I Leap, I Stumble, I Cry and I Laugh…
And Today with Love and Grief I Sing *A Cold and Broken Hallelujah, (*Leonard Cohen)
With my Gift from the Heart, Z moim Dar z Serca, Con il mio Dono dal Cuore,
Gabriel Orion Marie
* For those of you who may not know, I have published a series of three books that tell the story of my recovery and healing from profoundly intense physical, sexual and spiritual abuse. These books have dozens of paintings that I did during my process and those paintings are a core form of communication I used in my Healing. These books are available on Amazon. I hope you will read them and pass them on to others!
This White House (Book One), Going Sane (Book Two) and A Spectacular Dawn (Book Three)