Dear Friends, Drodzy Przyjaciele, Cari Amici,
Hello! So many of you have asked me if I would be able to post even once a week, and I have thought about it a lot and decided I will really try to do that! Thank you for your urging me to do this! Sometimes I still can be in a “All or Nothing” sort of mindset…thinking that if I cannot blog daily or at least a number of times a week, that I should not do it at all. Because I have needed to take on another whole work project, I was feeling that it was too much, and when I write, I want to give it my best energy…which I have not had a lot of lately. But because you are asking me, I will do it…even if it means just once a week.
As you know, during the past few months, all three of my books are not out in printed format, as well as ebooks. This has been a huge and very meaningful step for me. It has taken all of my emotional, psychological and financial resources to accomplish this and it has been an amazing part of the journey.
Although my deep desire is that my books be a source of healing, of insight, of encouragement or hope for others, of course doing this has been first a step I did for my own sake, for my own healing. The more more I look at it from a little distance, the more I see it. There has been a lot of steps in this process…from conceiving the idea to where I am at today.
Immediately after A Spectacular Dawn (Book Three) was finally finished and was the last one available in print, I felt a huge rush of joy and gratitude and thrill. That lasted a few days. Then I found myself suddenly in a state of Grief, and I could not figure out what was happening. I was so sad, and crying every day. I felt sick about having published my story…worried about it…would it matter to anyone? Would it make a difference? Was it a big mistake to have done this? Will I regret it later? Will my anonymity be protected? Will my siblings be exposed by someone trying to find out more about our childhood?
And Grief…I felt like something/someone had Died. I had a phone call with Dr. A. and we talked this through and he said to me, “Gabriel, it sounds to me like you are Grieving the Loss of Your Privacy.”. As soon as he said those words, I knew that was exactly it! The words resonated in me…and I felt a relief at Understanding why I was suddenly so Sad.
We talked about how for the first number of years in therapy I would come in to his office and I requested that he pull the curtains closed when I was in his room talking. I was paranoid that somehow, someone would see or know I was in there, telling my story. If I was particularly distressed and paranoid on a given day, I would only be able to whisper to him. I feared that invisible beings would be hearing me tell the Truth and it would somehow get back to my father…who would then come back from the Dead and kill me or kill whoever I was telling the secrets to.
For so many years, my friends, I guarded my secrets fiercely and in a very Strange way, I felt less a Victim of them if I was in Control of them. By Speaking them, I lost control of them in a way…and then I would FEEL them. When I acknowledged how BAD IT REALLY WAS, I FELT HOW BAD IT WAS. That was the deal…that was how life and healing and recovery works. I did not heal from anything that I would not let myself FEEL.
So, now, to this Present Grief. I am feeling the Deep Loss of Privacy now that I have Printed my Story and made it Available to anyone in the World who wants to read it.
Whenever anything comes up that I need to deal with, my commitment is to deal with it! I am Grieving and I am Letting Go of the Grief.
I have offered my story to you, my Friends, and I give it Freely and Open Handedly. I Pray it is a Blessing for whoever encounters it.
Dr. A. also pointed out to me that even this Grieving is part of my Gift to You. This is part of what makes my Gift a Sacrifice. It is not given out of Abundance, it is given out of everything I have to live on.
Now I have Joy bubbling up again, as I understand that even as I Grieve the Loss of my Privacy, I am giving and receiving more Healing and Freedom!
With Grief and Joy, W Smutku i Radości, Con il Dolore e la Gioia
Gabriel Orion Marie
* For those of you who may not know, I have published a series of three books that tell the story of my recovery and healing from profoundly intense physical, sexual and spiritual abuse. These books have dozens of paintings that I did during my process and those paintings are a core form of communication I used in my Healing. These books are available on Amazon. I hope you will read them and pass them on to others!
This White House (Book One), Going Sane (Book Two) and A Spectacular Dawn (Book Three)