Dear Friends, Drodzy Przyjaciele, Cari Amici,
After we buried Gioffredo, I thought maybe I would start to revive, in my own Spirit. This summer of his sudden and dreadful illness, suffering and death has been exhausting, draining, challenging, and deeply moving.
But now that he is gone and now that the wake, funeral and burial are over, my Blood feels like Cement. I feel like my limbs are Heavy and Dead.
I drove to the Cemetery, brought a blanket and laid down next to Gioffredo’s grave. I cried until I thought I was going to pass out.
I feel like I am dying myself and I feel sick all over.
Work has been especially challenging, as I encounter elderly and dying clients, suddenly it is more Upsetting than Beautiful to me.
Hearing people who are complaining about issues like the price of a hair cut or the weather being too hot, too dry, too rainy, too cold…all these things make me feel like exploding and screaming.
But that is My Grief, not theirs. They are not experiencing the Loss I feel. I cannot expect them to cater to my Grieving process. I cannot expect anyone to stop living their life, postpone their haircut, or silence their laughter and fun because I feel Torn in my Soul.
This is only the third time in my life that I have felt something Rip in my Soul and there are no words that can describe it. I know I must have projected an awful lot of my own need for Good Fathering on my brother Gioffredo. I must have held way more security in knowing that he was there in the fabric of my life and he would help me out if I was in need.
I cannot count the times he drove across Canada and the USA to find me and fetch me when I was in deep need.
Where ever I lived, he would make at least a trip or two to come and “check it out” to make sure I was ok.
When I fell in love and it fell apart, I called Gioffredo, and he told me “Come to my house, you stay with me until you get on your feet again.”
Although he was most certainly as Broken in his Mind and Heart as I was, from our shared Childhood of Abuse, he was a better Survivor in the practical sense. He may have been more shut down in some ways, but he was more capable of finding his way in the world than I have been.
Now I feel so stranded, it frightens me to my Core.
I think of the books I have written and…my journey into the Spectacular Dawn…and all those things I wrote and experienced are 100% true…it is just that now they will be lived out with even greater Commitment and Deeper Trust, and it will take more Courage than ever from my Soul.
If I have been given some extraordinary Gift in my personhood…from my birth…I think it is safe to say that my Gift is Courage. I simply somehow, someway, always find the Courage it takes to take the next step, to Grieve the next Loss, to Embrace the next Joy. It feels to me like life is a continuous Circle of Grief and Joy and they are part of the Same Reality.
My dear friends, living in the Spectacular Dawn is about living fully Alive…fully embracing all that Is…it is not a land of Perfection, nor is it free of Challenge, and it is especially not free of Grieving and Letting Go.
Here I am. I commit to My Soul, and to you, that I will continue to walk through this Grief. I will mine the Diamonds out of this Dark Cave of Loss. I will trust the Light of the Dawn to Shine, when these thundering clouds have passed. I believe that my blood will flow lighter again, soon, and that the pain that feels like Cement, will gradually Give way to Joy and trust in the Communion of Love.
I pray and I believe that both my brothers, Angelo and Gioffredo are not so far away as they seem, and I believe if you ask them for help, they will do whatever they can from Heaven. They are two of the most noble and trustworthy brothers a person could ask for. They carried their Burdens and they helped vulnerable people all their lives. I am not being shy in asking them for all sorts of help in my life right now.
One of my favorite stories about Gioffredo was that many years ago, when he was a manager at a bus depot in an inner city, when it got to be late at night and they were closing up, Gioffredo would go through his pockets and scatter coins and a few dollars on the floor, so the poor janitor would find some extra money when he swept the floors. Gioffredo did not make much money himself at that time, and he had a family to provide for, but he felt so much compassion for the janitor, and did not want to embarrass him by offering him extra money face to face.
I want to be that kind, that generous.
Thank you all for being with me and allowing me to be with you, in the Heart of Love, the Heart of the World.
With love and grief, Z miłości i smutek, Con amore e dolore,
Gabriel Orion Marie
* For those of you who may not know, I have published a series of three books that tell the story of my recovery and healing from profoundly intense physical, sexual and spiritual abuse. These books have dozens of paintings that I did during my process and those paintings are a core form of communication I used in my Healing. These books are available on Amazon. I hope you will read them and pass them on to others!
This White House (Book One), Going Sane (Book Two) and A Spectacular Dawn (Book Three)