Dear Friends, Drodzy Przyjaciele, Cari Amici,
On Tuesday I posted the Cover Image for This White House (Book One), and today I want to share with you about this Cover Image from Going Sane, (Book Two).
I initially titled this painting “I Can’t!”..it was November of 2005 and I was having a very, very hard time just managing my daily life with all that was surfacing and coming out in therapy. I was Scared to Death much of the time. I was still deeply Terrified that somehow my father would be able to come back from the dead and murder me for telling the truth about all that he had done to me and other children in my childhood.
When he was raping me, or torturing me, he would repeat over and over that if I told anyone he would Kill me. After the abuse had gone on for a few years and he realized that the threat of Killing me may not work anymore, (because I was beginning to show signs of wanting to die), he used a much worse threat: He told me that if I ever told anyone, even after he died, that he would Kill that person…he would Murder whoever I told these things to.
I believed him. You have to understand he was an extremely Evil, Cruel, Frightening and Powerful man and I was a Brainwashed, Tormented child under his Domination. Of course I believed him.
Honestly, the first few years in therapy, there were many times when I would have to call Dr. A.’s office the day after I had been in for a session just to make sure that he was okay, that he had not been killed. I believed that my dad had supernatural powers and that he was probably now a Demon and even able to do worse things than when he was a human being. It always really intrigued me when I would tell Dr. A. that he was in danger for knowing these things, and that I feared for his life and he would say to me so calmly: “Gabriel, your father is powerless. He is Dead. He is a Rotting Corpse in the Ground. He cannot harm you, or me or anyone anymore.” I cannot tell you how much mental strain it was for me to believe Dr. A…..to make that huge leap of Trust and Courage. It took every ounce of Courage that I could find, every single day.
See, the thing is, my frozen heart was beginning to thaw. I was beginning to feel a love for Dr. A… I was beginning to Trust him. I was beginning to have some tiny sensations that maybe I was going to finally get out of the Prison of Insanity. It was a dreadful Double-Bind…because I wanted help, and I had a tiny big of Love flowing in my broken and shattered heart, but I was afraid that if I got the help that I needed, it would Kill the person that was helping me.
That is the trick of Brainwashing. That is its Power and its Damaging Effect.
Dr. A. would listen to me as I talked out the Brainwashing and he would patiently and serenely sit like a Rock of Kindness and Presence. He never showed one drop of Impatience or anything but Presence and Commitment to stick with me until I got Through. When I first chose Dr. A. to be my therapist, one of the reason I did was because I knew he was Smarter than I me. I sensed it. I was Brilliant and I knew that, but I also knew I was Insane, which is a terrible combination. I always knew when I was Smarter than the people I had sought help from and it was always hugely disappointing, because I could never believe them…If I felt I was Smarter than them, then how I could trust them to know better than me? But Dr. A. was Brilliant and I knew it, just by being in his Presence. That was what enabled me to even begin my work with him. I never trusted myself with my Insanity and was always afraid that I would trick people..social workers, therapists, priests…but with Dr. A, it was different. I knew I could not trick him…which was one the Biggest Reliefs of my Life.
The day I did this painting, I was doing it in my room, since it was November and it was too cold to be on the roof anymore that year. I felt like my face was on Fire with Pain and Shame. I felt like I COULD NOT keep on going to Therapy. I was too frightened, too exhausted, and the complicated Double-Binds kept showing up everywhere in my Brain and my Heart.
The most Amazing thing about this painting was that I was using the black and grey to try and make a Terrible Thunderstorm. I was intending them to be Black, Swirling Clouds…it was only after I had done it and I went and sat on my bed and looked across the room at the Easel and I saw that Black, Evil Face and I Screamed! I was So Frightened of it! I was Doubly frightened because it was as if that Face had appeared on its own…I had NO IDEA I had painted it…I thought I had painted Storm Clouds!
I got up and threw the painting across the room. I was so afraid it was my father, coming back to life. The only reason I kept it and brought it to my next session was because I thought it was somehow a proof that my father was watching what was going on and was going to Kill me and Kill Dr. A.
Little did I know that I it was really very simply that I was accidentally revealing How Afraid I Was. How Hard it was to Labor at Going Sane. When my mind, my brain was going through all this deep catharsis and deep change, it was truly PAINFUL and the exercise of Courage it took was exhausting. When paintings like this would pop out of me, with all the Fear and Anguish, it was extremely disorienting and I would feel a Profound Imbalance in my whole being. I would say to Dr. A. “I am so afraid I am going Crazy!”...and he would so Gently and Firmly say to me, “No, Gabriel, You went Crazy a Long, Long time Ago and it Saved your Life, and now you are Going Sane and it is as Disorienting as Going Crazy was back then, but this is Sacred Ground, and you are going to be better than you ever dreamt possible.”
I was having at least two sessions a week with Dr. A., and sometimes three. I would bring in all my paintings that I had done since the previous session and we would go through them and sometimes I cried, sometimes I was frozen, but always I was relieved that more of my Anguish was getting out of me and onto the Canvas. I did not trust myself with the paintings after I had created them. I had such a urge to destroy them, that Dr. A. and I decided that he would keep them in a locked closet in his office for me, since he wisely knew that one day I would be able to embrace these paintings and perhaps use them for another purpose.
So, now having shared this, I hope you understand why this paining is the one I chose for the Cover Image of Going Sane, (Book Two).
It is Dr. A.s wisdom and commitment to my long term, thorough healing and recovery and my Courage that has brought to me to this point. I hope that what I have to share is a Gift to you, my Readers. I pray for you every and I thank God that I have Unseen Friends out there around the World, especially in Poland and Canada, who are helping me as I integrate the depths of healing into my daily life by just being Present.
With my Gift from the Heart, Z moim Dar z Serca, Con il mio Dono dal Cuore,
Gabriel Orion Marie
* For those of you who may not know, I have published a series of three books that tell the story of my recovery and healing from profoundly intense physical, sexual and spiritual abuse. These books have dozens of paintings that I did during my process and those paintings are a core form of communication I used in my Healing. These books are available on Amazon. I hope you will read them and pass them on to others!
This White House (Book One), Going Sane (Book Two) and A Spectacular Dawn (Book Three)