Dear Friends, Drodzy Przyjaciele, Cari Amici,
Lately have been thinking about the phrase “Dying before we die…” ( I first heard this as a quote from Ekhart Tolle, and it has stayed with me and been something that I have been intrigued by. )
What it means to me is that I accept that everything is passing…everything is in motion, everything is in a constant state of birth, growth and death and rebirth. Today I wish I could hang on to something of yesterday, something that feels familiar and stable and constant. But now every day feels very new and this new life I am living is so different from how I have ever lived.
Letting go of insanity, letting go of my story, letting go of my healing…pouring out everything…this is what dying before I die means to me.
There is an old woman I care for who is in her late 90’s. She is nearly blind, she is extremely hard of hearing and she is increasingly confused. Every day she wears five strings of jewelry beads around her neck. They are colored plastic necklaces, the kind that are given out at children’s birthday parties. The paint is peeling off the beads and the string is caked with old food drippings. But they are her most prized possessions.
Every night when I help her get ready for bed, she feels around in her drawer for a tupperware container and she sits in her rocker and slowly takes the five necklaces off, counting them with her hands and putting them into this plastic box. I cannot talk to her while she does this because she will easily lose count and have to start the counting process all over again and it is already a very time-consuming nightly ritual.
She also has a very small coin purse with .25 cents in it, and a key to her room. She guards this “pouch” (as she calls it) with ferocity. At night she very carefully puts the pouch into the plastic box along with the five strings of beads and she takes them to bed with her and clutches this box to her body all night long.
Although at first this might seem funny or humorous, but now as I think about her clutching to those meager possessions, has become a very deep and profound mirror and a humbling lesson for me.
I cling to my own little plastic boxes with ferocity, too, don’t I?
I want to be able to die before I die..I want to stop counting my little attachments every night and clinging to them for dear life ! I want to let go of all the little pouches of pittance that I carry around with so much fear of having them lost or stolen.
Part of what I am doing by opening my heart and putting my story out to the world, and even in writing this blog, is letting go and not hanging on for dear life to what has passed through my hands.
Today I will practice this form of death again. It is so freeing!
Thank you for Listening, Dziękuję za Słuchający, Grazie per l’ascolto,
Gabriel Orion Marie
* For those of you who may not know, I have published a series of three books that tell the story of my recovery and healing from profoundly intense physical, sexual and spiritual abuse. These books have dozens of paintings that I did during my process and those paintings are a core form of communication I used in my Healing. These books are available on Amazon. I hope you will read them and pass them on to others! This White House (Book One), Going Sane (Book Two) and A Spectacular Dawn (Book Three)